Mindsongs

i. 

as a child I invented a mind within 

my mind

for years it clenched shut

the hole at the bottom 

of my heart

not knowing what it was

it cut paths through the Spirit 

built forts

threw balls of anger at my parents’ faces

so hard they wept

figuring out how to win

and it searched

it wanted to kiss

the mother of meaning

to feel 

the feeling

stronger than all the other feelings

and sometimes it halted

bored

halfway up the slopes of Awe 

ii.

time passed 

like a lung inhaling without exhale

a fire always heating up

today

my family’s on the West Coast

but I live in New York

and when my brother calls

we whisper as we talk:

“are your thoughts, too, 

attempting something stranger 

than thought?”

I read a novel 

steam broccoli 

and take my daily walk

feeling the mind within my mind

probe

and grasp 

and push

alone in my room

I stare at the wall

…it tries to get away

it caresses memories like rosary beads

each weighing exactly the same 

the frogs I caught

those days in spring

just wanting to meet them 

the songs I sang

the poems I wrote,

wrote just to read them

it must do such odd things 

in private

just to make sure it’s real

must search old yearbooks for answers

and feel and feel 

and feel

sense was never enough for it

sense was never enough

iii.

then one night 

tired of yearning

it drops the chains of effort

the hole opens—

and the universe

not wasting a second 

squeezes through 

galaxies hiss against the dark

the circle widens

waters laugh into oceans

wind and stone

spring, winter, wrinkled skin 

angels and angels 

a howl gets in

and—

I gasp

compassion

iv.

but still it goes on

tugging 

at its leash

one by one it cracks the shells

of meaning and meaning-

lessness

and slurps the pap in each

what do I eat?

it wants to know

why am I alone?

it wants to know

this hole I grip

why can’t I pass through

and what comes after?

the mind asks the question

screams the question

now something else

answer